A House on Fire

Leave a message at the beep… 

I called my brother Austin for about a year. I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone.

I called him just to hear his voice in the voicemail greeting.

“Hi, this is Austin…”

A small source of comfort - until they disconnected his cell phone number. 

I understand the significance of grief. I live through the trauma that suicide creates. I know how hard it can be to talk about things like this, especially as a guy. 

If you resonate with my story, I’m sorry for your loss. We are now part of a club we didn’t sign up for. A community of grievers who understand suffering. 

Two years ago, I lost my youngest brother, Austin, to suicide. 

Since then, I’ve been advocating for men’s mental health and am pursuing a career as a men’s mental health counselor.

The messages

I get calls periodically.

“Ethan, my son is struggling. Will you talk to him?”

“My brother is having a hard time. Would you be willing to meet with him?”

Of course, I want to talk with each of them. Supporting those who struggle has become my life’s work. Unfortunately, I can’t be everywhere at once. I can’t have coffee with everyone who needs a cup.

According to the CDC, there were just under 50,000 suicide deaths in the US in 2022.

In Michigan, where I am from, there were 1,493 suicide deaths in 2022. 

Of the 1,493 lives lost, 1,167 of them were men. 

And one of them was my brother. 

The Covid pandemic may have ended, but we live in an epidemic. 

An epidemic of silent suffering.

Suicide as a message. 

When suicide occurs, it is a message. 

A message that is sent and a message that is received.  

A message of suffering. An expression of pain. A belief that there is no hope. 

Kory Stevens articulates what it is like to be suicidal.

“To me, depression is a lot like being trapped in a burning building. When someone dies by suicide, it is because they are so engulfed in the flames that they jump - not because it sounded fun or easy to jump out of a window, not because they’re weak and couldn’t handle the heat, but because they couldn’t stand another minute being consumed by the flames.”

The antidote - empathy.

Proactively look for the flames engulfing the people around you, and show up with buckets of water. 

My life experience is living as someone who is a receiver of the message of suicide.

“Why did he take his life?”

Unfortunately, too many people are left asking this question. 

The message that is received is different for everyone. 

Sadness, anger, frustration, guilt. 

Others see the message of suicide and consider it for themselves. 

This is the contagious effect of suicide.

A message for you

I cannot put out every flame that engulfs the people we love. 

I cannot bring my brother back. 

I can share the message I would tell you if I was with you. 

The message I would tell my brother if I had 5 more minutes. 

A message of love. A message of hope.

I can show up every week with this newsletter as a bucket of water you can carry with you.

Tools in your tool belt.

All I ask is that you share this newsletter with one person. 

If you resonate with my message or it makes you think of someone, share this newsletter with them.

To the person who is struggling - stay - because you are loved.

To the person who is grieving - come back next week for more of my grieving story and what I have learned in the last two years. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Sincerely, 

Ethan