Grief and Resilience: Building Strength through Loss

Grief is often seen as a private and deeply personal journey, but for many men, the process of grieving is further complicated by societal expectations that discourage vulnerability and emotional expression. As Kenneth Doka writes in Grief Is a Journey, grief is not a linear process, nor is it something one simply "gets over." Instead, it’s an evolving experience that requires us to adapt and find new ways to live with our losses.

For men, the challenge of grief is often intertwined with expectations of masculinity. The cultural script suggests that men should be stoic, self-reliant, and emotionally restrained. This can create a significant barrier to healthy grieving, as men may feel pressure to “stay strong” or suppress their emotions, leading to isolation and emotional stagnation. However, grief does not have to be a solitary journey, and resilience can be built through acknowledging vulnerability, seeking support, and developing coping mechanisms that foster emotional health.

The Unique Challenges of Grieving as a Man

One of the most profound challenges that men face in grief is the societal expectation that they must "keep it together" for others. Men are often seen as protectors or providers, roles that can lead to an internal conflict when they, too, need support. This was a key theme in Doka’s Grief Is a Journey, where he discusses the myth of closure and how society encourages us to “move on” quickly after a loss. For men, this pressure can be magnified, as they are often socialized to believe that expressing sorrow is a sign of weakness.

A common response for many men is to channel their grief into action—working harder, taking on new responsibilities, or distracting themselves with projects. While these strategies may offer temporary relief, they can also prevent men from processing their emotions fully. Unprocessed grief can manifest in harmful ways, including anger, withdrawal, or substance abuse. This was evident in my own experience after losing my youngest brother, Austin, to suicide. I initially felt compelled to be the strong one for my family, pushing my pain aside to take care of others. Yet, this avoidance only delayed my healing.

Coping Mechanisms: Moving Through Grief

To build resilience in the face of loss, men must first acknowledge their grief and allow themselves to experience the full spectrum of emotions that accompany it. Below are several coping mechanisms that can help men navigate their grief and foster resilience.

1. Embrace Vulnerability

Resilience is not about avoiding pain but about confronting it. Vulnerability is often mistaken for weakness, but in reality, it is a crucial part of healing. Sharing your grief with trusted friends or a therapist can help lift the emotional burden and offer new perspectives. I discovered this in therapy sessions with my counselor. Initially resistant to the idea of therapy, I quickly learned that opening up about my grief allowed me to process the loss of my brother in a way that isolation never could.

2. Develop a Support System

Grieving in isolation can lead to emotional numbness or prolonged depression. Research shows that men are less likely than women to seek support during times of distress, yet social connections are vital to resilience. Building a community of support—whether through family, friends, or support groups—can provide the emotional scaffolding needed to navigate grief. Sharing your experiences with others who have gone through similar losses can be particularly helpful, as it normalizes the complex emotions you may feel.

3. Rituals of Remembrance

One of the most healing practices in grief is creating rituals that honor the memory of the person you lost. This could be as simple as lighting a candle, visiting a favorite spot, or participating in an activity that you shared with your loved one. These rituals offer a sense of continuity and connection, reminding you that your loved one’s presence is still felt, even if they are no longer physically here.

4. Physical Activity

Grief affects not only the mind but the body as well. The stress of loss can manifest as physical tension, fatigue, or restlessness. Engaging in regular physical activity, whether through exercise, hiking, or even daily walks, can be a powerful way to release pent-up energy and improve your emotional well-being. For me, running became an outlet for my grief—a way to process difficult emotions through movement and to channel my pain into something constructive.

5. Creative Expression

For men who struggle to articulate their emotions verbally, creative outlets such as writing, music, or art can offer an alternative way to process grief. In my own journey, writing my memoir, Things in My Pocket, allowed me to reflect on my grief in a meaningful way. The process of telling my story was both cathartic and empowering, helping me make sense of the loss and find a deeper purpose in advocating for mental health awareness.

6. Mindfulness and Meditation 

Practicing mindfulness or meditation can help you stay present with your emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. Grief often brings a flood of emotions that can feel chaotic and unmanageable. By developing a mindfulness practice, you can learn to observe your feelings without judgment, allowing them to pass through you rather than control you.

Building Long-Term Resilience

Resilience is not about "bouncing back" from loss; it’s about integrating that loss into your life in a way that allows you to continue moving forward. Over time, grief can transform from a source of pain into a source of strength. It’s important to remember that resilience doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one or minimizing your loss. Instead, it’s about finding ways to live with grief while still embracing life.

For men, building long-term resilience often means re-evaluating the cultural norms around masculinity that discourage emotional expression. As Kenneth Doka explains, resilience comes from adaptability—from the ability to adjust to a new reality after loss. This requires letting go of the notion that grief is something to be conquered or overcome. Rather, it’s a journey that reshapes us, teaches us, and ultimately makes us more compassionate and empathetic human beings.

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned from my own grief is that resilience is not a solo endeavor. It is built through connection—connection to our emotions, to our loved ones, and to a community that understands the complexity of loss. For men, embracing vulnerability and seeking support are not signs of weakness but of tremendous strength. By allowing ourselves to grieve fully and openly, we create the conditions for true resilience to flourish.

Grief is not a detour from life; it is a part of life. Building resilience in the face of loss means accepting the pain, seeking support, and finding ways to grow through it. For men, this often means challenging the traditional notions of masculinity that discourage emotional openness and instead embracing a new kind of strength—one that is rooted in vulnerability, connection, and love.