Grief and Loss in Men’s Lives

Today’s newsletter is dedicated to Kailey Marie Lightner.

May 12, 2009 ~ September 18, 2024

I talk about men’s mental health, but I am not oblivious to the struggles of women and girls today. My work is to invite men into the conversation, not exclude women from getting help.

Please, check on your loved ones. Say something if you need help.

This week I read “Grief Is a Journey” by Kenneth J. Doka (Chapters 1-3) and will be talking about how men experience and express grief, and societal expectations.

Why Men’s Mental Health?

Men's mental health is a topic that is long overdue for discussion, yet it remains in the shadows. Despite advances in mental health awareness, men are still suffering in silence at alarming rates. Every year, tens of thousands of men take their own lives, with the suicide rate among men consistently being higher than that of women across the world. This disparity raises a crucial question: why are so many men struggling, and why do we rarely discuss it?

The statistics tell a grim story. Globally, men die by suicide nearly three times more often than women, and in some countries, that rate is even higher. More on that here. Despite the growing conversations around mental health, men often feel they have nowhere to turn. The traditional image of masculinity—strong, stoic, unemotional—leaves little room for vulnerability, making it harder for men to express their pain or seek help when they need it most. The silent epidemic of male depression is not just a health issue; it's a crisis of cultural expectations, one that costs countless lives every year.

This book is my attempt to confront that crisis head-on. I aim to explore how societal pressures contribute to the invisibility of men’s emotional suffering, particularly in the context of depression, suicide, and grief. The conversations in this book are not only for men who are struggling but for the people who care about them—their families, friends, and partners—who may not fully understand the deep, quiet pain men can carry.

A Personal Note

This subject isn’t just academic or professional for me; it’s deeply personal. On March 28, 2022, my youngest brother, Austin, took his own life. He was only 16 years old. His death was a shock to everyone—his friends, our family, his teachers, and the entire community. He was loved. He had friends. He had just received a blue Camaro for his birthday and had an orange cat named Ty Ty that he adored. From the outside, he had a life that looked full and promising. And yet, beneath the surface, there was an overwhelming pain none of us could see.

Austin was not the first young man in our town to take his life. He was the second boy from his high school to die by suicide that month, and the third that year. These deaths rocked the small town we grew up in, but no one seemed to have an answer as to why this was happening. Austin’s death raised a tidal wave of questions for me—questions that no one seemed able to answer: Why do young boys, with so much life ahead of them, choose death? Why are we not talking about the emotional struggles of boys and men? Why did my brother, who was so loved, feel so alone?

These questions have haunted me since that day. I wish I could bring Austin back. I wish I could undo that one final, tragic decision. But I can’t. What I can do is take the pain of losing him and turn it into something meaningful, something that could potentially save another life. This book is my way of processing that grief, understanding the epidemic of male suicide and mental illness, and advocating for the thousands of men and boys who, like Austin, suffer in silence.

The Under-Recognized Epidemic of Male Depression

Male depression is an epidemic that most people don’t even realize exists. While depression itself is widely recognized as a serious mental health condition, when it comes to men, the signs often go unnoticed or are dismissed. Men are less likely to seek help for their mental health issues, and they are less likely to be diagnosed with depression, even though they experience it at comparable rates to women.

The issue lies in how depression manifests in men. Unlike the classic symptoms we often associate with depression—sadness, crying, and withdrawal—men’s depression often looks different. It can show up as anger, irritability, risk-taking behavior, substance abuse, or even physical pain. These symptoms don’t fit neatly into the traditional understanding of depression, so they go untreated, unrecognized, and misunderstood.

Part of the reason male depression is under-recognized is because men are often conditioned to suppress their emotions. From a young age, boys are taught to "toughen up," to not cry, to be strong, and to avoid showing vulnerability at all costs. This cultural messaging gets internalized, leading to men who feel they cannot acknowledge their emotional pain. Instead, they bury it, hoping it will go away, but it never does.

In many cases, the consequences are tragic. Men who suffer from depression often isolate themselves, withdrawing from their loved ones as they sink deeper into the darkness. Without an outlet for their pain, they turn to harmful coping mechanisms—alcohol, drugs, aggression—or, in the worst-case scenario, they take their own lives. Depression in men is not just about sadness or feeling "down"; it’s about a profound sense of isolation and hopelessness, one that is often compounded by a world that expects them to remain strong and silent.

How Society and Traditional Masculinity Contribute to Male Depression

To understand why men struggle so much with mental health, we need to examine the role of traditional masculinity. For generations, men have been raised with a set of cultural expectations that dictate how they should behave and what it means to be "a man." These expectations, often referred to as the "man box," include traits like self-reliance, emotional restraint, dominance, and the rejection of anything deemed "feminine," like expressing sadness or fear.

These cultural norms are deeply ingrained, and they can be damaging. Men are taught that to be vulnerable is to be weak and that needing help is a sign of failure. They are conditioned to believe that real men don’t ask for help, and as a result, many men internalize their pain, seeing it as something to be dealt with alone. This leads to a dangerous cycle: the more men feel they need to conform to this version of masculinity, the more isolated they become, and the less likely they are to reach out when they’re struggling.

Society’s expectations of men also make it harder for them to form deep, meaningful relationships where they can express their emotions openly. Research shows that many men have fewer close friendships as they age, leaving them without the social support that is crucial for mental health. This loneliness only exacerbates their depression and anxiety, further driving home the belief that they must face their struggles alone. Check out this newsletter on male depression.

Even in professional settings, where mental health awareness is growing, men often feel pressure to hide their emotional struggles. Many fear that admitting to depression or anxiety could hurt their careers or make them seem weak in the eyes of their colleagues. The workplace becomes another battleground where men feel the need to uphold the façade of strength, even as their mental health deteriorates behind the scenes.

This culture of silence around male depression doesn’t just affect the men themselves—it affects their families, their partners, their children, and their communities. The ripple effects of untreated mental illness can be devastating, leading to broken relationships, lost productivity, and, in the worst cases, suicide. The cost of maintaining this outdated version of masculinity is too high, and it’s time we start talking about it.

The Objective of This Book

The objective of this book is simple but urgent: to shed light on the emotional suffering of men, particularly in the context of depression, suicide, and grief. It’s not enough to acknowledge that men struggle; we need to understand why they struggle in silence, why their pain often goes unnoticed, and what we can do to change that.

Throughout this book, I will explore the intersections of male depression, masculinity, and mental health. I’ll share my personal experiences with grief, loss, and depression, as well as the stories of other men who have faced similar battles. We’ll look at the societal structures that contribute to male mental health issues and the barriers men face when it comes to seeking help. Most importantly, we’ll talk about solutions—what we can do, individually and as a society, to create a world where men feel safe to express their emotions, seek help, and heal.

This book is for men who feel like they can’t talk about their struggles. It’s for families and friends who want to understand what their loved ones are going through. And it’s for anyone who believes that it’s time to break the silence around men’s mental health. I hope that by sharing these stories and insights, we can begin to dismantle the toxic expectations of masculinity that keep men trapped in silence and give them the support they need to live full, healthy, and emotionally connected lives.

We cannot afford to let another generation of men suffer in silence. It’s time to talk about men’s mental health, not as a side issue or an afterthought, but as a critical and central part of the broader conversation about mental wellness. It’s time to break the silence and bring men’s mental health into the light.

If you are joining for the first time, welcome! I am writing a book on men’s mental health, suicide, and grief. If you haven’t read the other editions, start here.

Thank you for walking with me.

Your feedback is appreciated.

I see you,

Ethan